fan is blowing the grey of today in through my window
i've been hiding underneath this blanket all day now
much too afraid to get up and face the reality of it all
black sleeping bag and pillows to help cushion my fall

Stray Cat Freedom.

slide open the window above my bed
i feel my ribs clenched like a fist around
my lungs, mercilessly choking vital organs
heart is in my throat, sick of swallowing pills
i blow it out in puffs of smoke, tangible shapes
town surrounding, i find nothing to keep me here
hear music of crickets over a darkened landscape
dear yet despondent, i find nothing to keep me here

hear a cat's faint cry from a neighboring block
i wonder what he's saying, wonder what he'd say
if he could communicate, find words to speak to me
i'd tell him that i have never needed anyone or anything
so badly as i need her, i find nothing to keep me here
i'd tell him that i long to have his stray cat freedom
yeah, if i could communicate, find words to speak

Drive.

There
is no
point
in
driving
when
I can't
go where
I want
to
be.

There
is no
point
in
anything.

Numb.

Trying
my
best
to
feel
numb.

Without Her.

Can't eat
Can't sleep
Can't breathe

Words.

sick to my stomach
from swallowing
my words all week
kitchen is empty
hungry to speak

Hair?

I like these two:

and

Her.

There
are
simply

no

words.

Rain.

Today was pretty stressful. I missed three days of haircutting and so I sort of expected as much going into it this morning with more caffeine in my bloodstream than is safe to try at home.

2 haircuts on my male mannequin and 2 cuts on a female mannequin. I've still got 3 to make up.. plus whatever else we're doing tomorrow, etc. 2 cuts on my left hand. Princess Band-Aids were, indeed, a good idea.

Mom picked me up. Usual bitching. Asked me why she'd get a voice mail message on her cell phone today from a lady in Toronto asking for me to call her back with details about what I'm looking for in school. Laughed at the idea of me moving to Canada after I graduate Empire in the spring. I sort of expected as much.

Future.

Dear Tia,

What the fuck is it you would like to do with your future?

Love,

Life.




I've got so many ideas. Work in a high end spa. Work in a high end salon. Work in a high end salon/spa. Platform artist for MAC. Platform artist for Cirque du Soleil. Product representative /make up artist for MAC. Make up artist. Stylist.

Fuck.

Thunderstorm.

It's raining outside.
Another thunderstorm.
I wish she was here.

Goals.

1. Driver's License.
2. Job.
3. Cell Phone.
4. Savings Account.

Seriously. I need to start getting shit accomplished. Now.

Oh, I'm also going to try really hard to blog daily.. so we'll see how that goes.

So..

.. I don't really know what happened to the whole "post-a-day" thing. I would like to do that.. but then again.. I'd like to do a lot of things that never get accomplished.

Couldn't sleep again last night. I'm guessing I only got about an hour at most. Starting to sense a pattern here. Running out of pillows to hold/throw, hold/throw, hold/throw across my bedroom in the middle of the night.

I've been ready for school since 7:30.. and Mom just texted me..

LeoneEdAgnello (8:18:09 AM): mom. are you taking me?

+15701234567 (8:18:53 AM): I guess not we r super busy!

LeoneEdAgnello (8:19:08 AM): well what the f?


The world is conspiring
against me.

Fuck.

It's not the past few days.
It's not the pills I take.
It's not the bottles I drink.
It's just these nights,
these lonesome city lights.

Last night,
I prayed so hard
that I would just die
and I woke up
this morning
against my most
wishful thinking.

Survival Of The Fittest.

My alarm sounds at noon, and drowsily, I reset it for one o' clock.
I pull the blanket over my head.
My alarm sounds at one in the afternoon, I nudge Megan, try to wake her for work.
She tells me to give her ten more minutes. I tell her she has to be at work at two.
I tell her she can't be late again. She tells me she wasn't late yesterday, which I don't understand,
because she dropped me off in Willow Lawn at twenty to four and had to make it all the way to Short Pump by four, herself. She drives much too fast.
I tell myself I can get at least an hour more if I try, but I relent, swallow amphetamine, start my day off with the breakfast of champions.
I have to be at work by four, I have to take the bus. I want to go to Rumors, I want that sweater I saw a few days ago, I want to spend all of my money, run up my credit card. A credit card at eighteen was a bad idea, I won't lie to you.
I enter the bathroom, hit the switch, the light flickers and blows. I decide that it's light enough to go without, I turn the knob and wait until the water is hot enough. I open iTunes, start a playlist, sit and write this.
I'd give anything to re-do this semester, a semester abroad, in the heart of the south.
Too distracted, too naive, lacking motivation. I listen to Brand New, my MacBook in my lap. I set it on the bathroom sink, turn the volume all the way up. I want to forget, pretend that everything is okay.
I tell myself that this is Survival Of The Fittest.
I tell myself that I simply have to get by, survive.
Jesse screams into a mic, "I can't shake this little feeling I'll never get anything right."
This is Survival Of The Fittest.

My first visit to
her town was nice,
but tonight I lay
down underneath
bright city lights,
hear spinning wheels
on winding roads,
faint talking
coming from mouths,
voices I do not know,
and part of me wants
to be a part of
the commotion
on the sidewalk below.
But tonight I lay down,
Tonight I let go.

It's raining
in Richmond.
I consider
pulling all
plants from
the ground so
that they don't
drown.
A car rolls down
a one-way street,
my street, passes
the window.
A girl sleeps on
my side of the bed,
her head rests on
my pillow.
Newports are much
stronger than I
remember, I feel
the fiberglass in the
back of my throat
and crush my smoke,
save it for some other
time. Hear sirens
in the distance.

Meant To Break.

pretty
girls
don't
always
follow
rules

both
were
meant
to
break

Atonement.

drank all the
liquor my stomach
could stand
hardly breathing
clock ticking, second hand
in the morning
on a cold, tile floor
blood poured
from my mouth
behind a closed,
locked door

White Flag.

i
surrender.

Lullaby.

tired, heavy eyes, too tired to fight
and i will take, with my own hands,
the last of my nine lives tonight as
her hand bends to wave goodbye,
i will fall into an endless slumber
if you will sing me one last lullaby.
if you will tuck me in, under.

I AM IRISH. I AM PLASTERED.

Take it back to the place where it began Leave it there, can't lend a hand Take her away, far away Can't stand, cards say we can't go to sleep angry So take her away, so that I may live For one more night, nurse these wounds Too vulnerable, too fucked up, too useless, pointless, fucked up, fucked up, SO take her away so that I may live Too fucked up, too fucked up, too fucked up, too fucked up, too fucked up, too fucked, So take her away so that I may live Too fucked up too fucked up too fucked up too fucked up too fucked up too fucked up to concentrate on anything besides how you taste too fucked up so take her and break her and break me too fucked up to concentrate, feel hate hate hate want to hurt hurt hurt everything that she's made of the atoms that made what she is and everything she does she says too fucked up to concentrate on anything besides how badly i want to know how she tastes too fucked up to hurt her hurt hurt hurt her want to wrap fingers around her delicate throat wake up and write home tell them that i wish that i hadn't gone so far want to wrap fingers around her delicate throat tear the necklace from those veins that have been calling my name, calling out don't talk to her, don't notice, don't want, don't want, don't want, because you need me and you know it and so do i can't compromise now that we've come this far can't hurt you as badly as i want to because i want to break your fucking neck in my arms when you slide beside me, come closer and i swear i'll tear you apart, i'll take the life that you were given and i will break your heart fuck you and fuck your name fuck how you act and fuck the door from which you came fuck your face and fuck those hips fuck you fuck you fuck you i want your life to pour onto my fingertips fuck you fuck you fuck you i want you to break me like you do, you're so good, girl, but you lack tact you lack everything that i once had but not anymore, no not tonight, girl, i'd give you everything but i'm empty, alright?! i want to make you hurt as bad as i have tonight. i want to make you feel anything but sorry for yourself. sorry for me. i want to make you hurt tonight. knuckles are white, ready to go your lips are positioned in that way that begs me to swing but, darling, beg you to wear my ring. kiss me one more time, no turning back tonight. kiss me one last time. last night. last night last night last night. kissed you under an awning thought i might have finally felt something other than this fucking assumed reality, this assumption, this wanting. i need to feel real outside of this drowning. this drowning attempt like nights spent living somewhere west of here, warm. somewhere where the sun would at least warn us when it was ready to lay down it's head under a honeydew cloud bed fuck you and fuck everything you told me, blasphemy, you speak in circles, we move in different circles. maybe that's the point. maybe that's the place where we're supposed to realize our limits, as if they'd ever existed in the first place. we're nothing short of two adolescents spent on alcohol and nicotine. maybe we'll find out in the lyrics, what this all could mean. whatever this all could mean. you are uninvited, unprovoked. want to be somebody else, right now because there is nothing left, and this is the way out. pinned down and up against the wall. back me into the wall. back me into the wall. out of control and my fists are ready to fly, blood on the door and i'm ready to roll. you yell, you scream out. i've crossed the line, not knowing where it was, wherever you said it was. whatever you said whatever you said whatever you said. this is the way we should have done things. you've got me trapped. you've got me sold you've got me sold you've got me sold. this is the way i've felt this is the way i've felt and you've got me sold so take her home and take me in. take me in and take me down pin me in and up against the wall. soon enough i won't feel at all.. but not soon enough for me. not soon enough for you. panic. panic. we're two characters in this chapter, this chapter won't happen any faster. my lifeless lips lead me to your face. your lips are soft in front of me. can't help but want whatever it is that i see. can't help but pretend that i will be anything or everything that you've wanted. can't be anything or everything that you've wanted, no, i simply can not be.

5:55 AM - 6:15 AM.

I.
The moon dips below the horizon
Returns to a quiet, familiar bed
Ignorance, the lonesome ocean
Violet clouds surround her head

II.
She dreams of a violin concerto
All strings, a sweet symphony
I dream of an apple, an arrow
And she's William Tell, sharp
Pointed blade lacking sympathy

III.
It was 6:15 AM
When my little
Lynn decided to
Take her own life
Felt familiarity in
The cold, unforgiving
Blade of the knife

Nevermind.

Yeah,
forget all
those pretty
things I've said
while you lay sleeping,
tangled up in a strange bed.
They were from a different language,
they have their time and their own place.
But you won't find it, or me, here any longer.
No, not tonight, I'm too fragile, vulnerable to fight.
Can't fend you off, can't stay too sober, can't cry outside,
would rather open my eyelids, pour this onto your shoulder.
We are far less than we could have ever imagined, but we knew
what we could taste, this honey, this habit. Nevermind, I can't have it.

Nowhere, Together.

cutting the seams,
the hearts on our
sleeves, razors in
hand. you reprimand
me, grabbing my wrist,
remembering those
nights we'd kiss under
the dimming city lights.
concrete, car alarms,
her lips so near. hold me
close, in your arms, so
they won't hear. emerge
from their prison, up two
flights of stairs. but we
don't care. we don't care.
breathe in, the red-brick
wilderness, toxic air.
breathe in. on nights like
this, I swear, it is good
enough to just exist,
nowhere. together.

How It Felt To Feel Real.

meant what i said
cheeks rose-red
take photographs to
remind myself
how it felt to be
someone else

Forgiveness.

Some will seek forgiveness
Deliverance from the sins
Which plague us
This disaster
That tempts us
Kills us faster
Faster

Forgiveness
Deliverance
Touch, touch
Faster, faster
Some will seek

I will be sought after
Disaster, disaster

In With The New.

I. Waiting

Waiting.
I'm always waiting.
For you to come through the door,
break this inexorable loneliness.
For you to feel, feel anything,
Feel real outside of this dream.
To feel, feel anything,
Feel real outside of this dream.

II. The Lost Girls

The alley was dark, calm and cold,
Smelled of alcohol and second-hand smoke.
Words were hushed, stepping on broken glass
Cutting our feet as we spoke.
Bleeding colors we'd never imagined,
Our childhood innocence pouring over dirty cement.
Graffiti brick walls surround us, alone,
Much too lost to ever find our way back home.
Whispered: "I'm lost, too. We could be lost together."
The sun never warned us, crawled through the cracks
Of worn-out walls and shattered bottles.
The sweet taste of sweat mixed with tears,
Swear nothing is better. We're barely awake, we're barely alive.
I'm lost, too. Just as lost as you. We could be lost together.

III. The Wilderness Meets The City Skyline

Whenever I bend, you break like a bad habit. You break.
Curled up on the floor in this wilderness, this three-bedroom apartment.
Or maybe you're playing it off in a dark alley somewhere, suffocating reality.
Or tangled up in bed, comatose and comfortably resting your drunken head.
Covered in sheets, barefoot dreams. Closed doors, broken mirrors, guitars.
Quiet and listening to the sound of passing cars. I must belong somewhere, to someone.
But I've found myself stranded here, behind this city skyline. Painting my toenails red.
I must belong somewhere. Consider this a signal flare.

Excerpts.

I. Kiss, Kiss

Kiss, kiss my fingertips.
Let my taste linger on your lips.
Lie to me, tell me I'm beautiful.
I couldn't bear to hear the truth.
(No, not from you.)

II. Nights On The Bathroom Floor

Feels like we're finally alive
In this small room, Girl,
But what did you expect?
Your cold body held tight to my chest.
I am no more. I am no less.
Morning knocks on my door.
I am a mess. I am a mess.

III. Catch

I want to catch you, hold you,
Keep you warm, call you my own.
Whenever you feel yourself falling,
Take me, break me, make me feel.
Kill this uncertainty. Make me strong,
As strong as you've been pretending to be.

IV. Neverland

I have found Neverland
Shaking nervously as she drinks
From the palms of my hands
Cupped for her to sip and savor
Mouths meet, her flavor, her flavor
She drinks from the palms of my hands

V. Pour Another Round

Breathe in deeply until
I can feel my breath on
Your neck, giving you chills.
Drink that bottle dry, empty,
Smashed on an old wooden porch.
These awkward glances get me by,
So breathe in deeply, drink until
You are empty and, Girl,
I will fill you up.

VI. A Morning, Mislead

Strung out from the night before,
Bare feet out on the back porch.
And I can hear footsteps on the floor.
They're getting closer. Closer.
I couldn't love you more, in the cold
January air, I swore.
I couldn't love you more than I do
On this old wooden porch.

VII. The Carousel

Just drink, my Dear, and
I'll bury you where you first fell (for me),
Tuck you in, under (this paved street).
Mind's a carousel, all music, wonder (love me).
Until it ends, until it is over.

Out With The Old.

I. Juliet

Stain my mouth
With your bitter taste
Grapes crushed
Alcohol to waste us away
Until the sun draws
Back the curtains on
Another miserable day

The wolves will retreat
Tangled in my bedsheets
Awaken beside a stranger
I thought I knew her
But in the morning, she's a cancer
Eating my pale skin away

No, I won't let you crawl inside
"Too much to lose," I whisper
"Have you anything left to hide?"
She replies, confused look shining through
Those brilliant eyes, siempre ojos brillantes

I lie, she lies, we lie naked on our backs
Naked as we came
Seeking our truth out of cracks
In an old windowpane
Where we'd kneel, smoke half a pack
Before noon just praying, on our knees,
That dark would come soon
Hide the mistakes we've made in this
Empty apartment room

Night crept in through windows, wide
Beckoning the moon swimming in the clear plum sky
The wolves return, we can hear their cry
"I've never felt so alive," she sighed
"When I told you I feel nothing for you.. I lied.. I lied.." I confessed
My eyes on her body, parallel, undressed

So close to dying that we're finally alive
I drank the poison, savored the last drop,
I would not let the cancer she created thrive
Ripped the hands off the clock, swallowed them
As I felt my worn heart stop

Red roses stemmed from my wrists
The wolves, lurking nearby, licked their lips

II. Somewhere

Seventeen years,
And I'm counting the hours.
Five days until I'll be leaving.
For there is a better place that I have seen,
Somewhere between waking and sleeping.

Her fingertips ignite my frozen skin,
On the shores of a dream that we've found ourselves in.
That's where she said we would meet.
My beating heart, I awaken to that hollow sound.
Feel the cold, uncertainty of my own two feet,
Planted firmly on familiar ground.
Sore ribs ache for what they've missed.
Overcome with nostalgia in this Northern town.

And will she be there waiting, as promised,
Upon the rocks when I
Sail this ship into the dock
After months out on the lonely sea?
For the only place where we can exist, my Darling,
Is much closer than it may seem.
It lies somewhere between the click of the light
And the start of the dream.